Dawn was breaking as the young man stealthily crawled out of the front bedroom window of our neighbor’s home. Their daughter assisted him and waved goodbye. My friend and I were walking by at that moment decades ago. We knew her father was a single dad; rumor had it her mother was incarcerated. My friend and I discussed what we should do, including any potential fallout. Not knowing the family well, we assumed her father would tell us to mind our business, so we said nothing.

Funny how we justify things.

Later that week, her father showed up at our door, questioning if I had seen a boy departing that early morning. I tried to rationalize our noninvolvement. “Wouldn’t you have wanted me to tell you if I witnessed that at your home?” Of course, I answered, profusely apologizing.

To this day, I regret our cowardice. I let the possibility of what might happen stop me from doing what was right.

My youth ministry work allowed me to share the truth and enlighten minds many years later. Some received it well, others not. When my job switched to preparing couples for marriage, I often got this reaction, “I’ve never heard that before.”

I must admit before working with engaged couples, I had never heard any of it either. It was eye-opening to learn Canon Law about the Sacrament of Matrimony and the brilliance of God’s plan for marriage. Occasionally, I had what might, on the surface, appear to be the ideal couple who faithfully practiced Catholicism, not cohabiting nor sexually active. Mostly, it was a mixture of faithful and unfaithful, various religions or none. What they all had in common was their hope for a “happily ever after.”

The diversity of each situation brought new conversations and requirements into play. Again and again, the rebuttal was something they’d never heard before. Add to the mix those who, for various reasons, were married civilly and wanted their marriage “blessed.” I became a regular caller to the Tribunal. Hi, it’s me again; I have a couple. They were always so patient and accommodating. In this article, I hope to share some lessons learned and touch briefly on the common unknowns.

1. Parents, your faithful witness matters. When your kids are in their early teens, invitingly create conversations about what we believe as Catholics and why. Many parents run from these conversations, yet they significantly affect their future happiness. Before, boyfriends and girlfriends discuss appropriate, acceptable behavior and expectations. I would tell our kids that we don’t do the ‘living together thing’ and why. We planted seeds and continued to water them as they grew. Sadly, cohabitation is seen as normal now, but it does not support strong, faithful, lifelong marriages. It teaches them to be roommates (50/50), not spouses (100/100%). It teaches them that relationships are conditional and self-focused. It affirms that it’s ok to have sex with persons, not their spouse. Laying the foundation when they are young is more manageable than after they’ve moved in together. Stop being passive and going along to get along. It serves no one’s best interest.

2. Marrying in the Church is another good conversation. Despite the challenges many young adults have in maintaining a faith life through college, when it comes to thoughts of marriage, it is an excellent time to invite them to return. In the Diocese of Phoenix, the prep is engaging and fruitful for the future marriage and their spiritual growth. You’re mistaken if you think they don’t care what you think. I’ve had plenty of couples choose to do the preparation and marry in the Church because grandparents or parents took the time to say it was important to them. Often times their faith was reignited through the experience.

3. Baptized Catholics must follow the Canonical form for the Sacraments; doing so impacts eligibility to be Godparents, receiving Eucharist, and more. Being told of your ineligibility because you didn’t marry in the Church often causes frustration or anger and inevitably the question, why didn’t anyone tell me this? 

The Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC) is an excellent source for understanding marriage and its requirements for validity (paragraphs 1601-1666). Every Diocese has a process for regularizing a civil marriage, but it takes time. It is better to know and avoid the mud puddles by planning and making decisions from an educated perspective.

There should be more homilies on this important topic for Catholics of all ages, minimizing confusion and frustration. But remember, we each have a personal responsibility to learn and grow in our Catholic faith.

On that awkward day, I learned an important lesson: withholding the truth doesn’t help anyone. We should all be speakers of truth, knowing that once we understand why something is, it is easier to accept or reject it.