Have you ever wished you could talk to your younger self and share more ingenious ways of doing things? I’ve been thinking about this as I age. I’ve grown wiser.

I fought with my neighbor when I was in sixth grade. We decided we should duke it out after school. Standing face to face, I noticed for the first time that she was much taller than me. Somehow, in our puny eleven-year-old brains, we believed fighting would solve whatever trivial disagreement we had. Assuming a punch to her face was the best first move, I took it. It wasn’t. She returned with a fist to my gut, knocking the air out of me. Fight over. She won.

The wiser me would have pointed out to the younger me, “She’s bigger and older than you; you’re going to get hurt. Make her some cookies and tell her you’re sorry. Fighting doesn’t solve anything.”

When I entered high school, wiser me would have been all over that period of immature ignorance.  I might have said these things:

Don’t take Algebra and fail. General math will suffice, and you might find numbers less confusing.

Get up twenty minutes earlier and take time to put your best foot forward.

Stick to sports and do your homework. Dating is a distraction you don’t need right now. This time in your life is better spent discovering who you are and what you are good at.

Curfews are not suggestions that Mom and Dad make for you to break. Be responsible and stop adding to the trials in their lives.

High school boys are mostly immature dorks and not worth being grounded for. God has bigger plans for you than you can imagine. Why not ask Him.

After I married my Air Force pilot, my world expanded exponentially. It took me time to catch up to all the changes. It’s funny how we think marriage happens and everything is happily ever after. Neither of us knew what marriage and becoming one heart and mind would require of us regarding the need to become selfless.

I remember that our first argument came after only a month in Korea. We shared a small room in the officer’s quarters because base housing was unavailable. There was lots of togetherness in a teeny tiny space. The walls were paper thin, and anyone within hearing distance could hear what was being said, which they could then share with the squadron at lunch the next day. It was a powerful lesson.

In those tumultuous years overseas, we had to learn to rely on one another and stick together. Many forces wanted to tear at the fabric of our marriage.

I wish the older me could sit down with a bag of good chocolate and chat about being a good wife. I might have suggested:

              He cannot read your mind; stop thinking he can. Tell him what you need.

              His love is stronger than you think. Stop testing it.

              Help him understand how you feel, how he can help, and what will strengthen your union.

Encourage and affirm him often. He is a good man and is also new at marriage.

Be patient with him; you are not the only one frustrated.

Love seeks what is best for the other rather than pointing out every infraction and annoyance.

Instead of complaining about being overseas, I should have made the most of it. If I had welcomed the opportunities, I would have grown.

I failed to appreciate that God was doing something in all those moments, both the hard and happy ones. I did not yet have the faith to surrender all of it and let Him be the Lord of my life. Mass on Sunday was just that, and I didn’t let the Holy Spirit into the rest of my week—not on purpose, mind you, but out of sheer ignorance.

You don’t know what you don’t know, and I didn’t know much.

Me

When I was finally blessed with the gift of motherhood, a new learning regimen opened wide before me. What I thought motherhood was about and the reality of living it is quite different.

Most of the same principles for marriage apply to motherhood. These wise words and generous portions of grace (and chocolate) would have helped tremendously.

1.)     Be patient; they are little humans learning and growing. Stop taking their mishaps as personal attacks and defiance. (that comes when they are teens) ☹

2.)     Teach your husband how to be a confident daddy. Show him how to comfort the baby, help the toddler, and interact with the unpredictable hormonal teen. Stop thinking you must do it all yourself!

3.)     Let the little things go. Stop burning so much mental and physical energy on the little stuff. (read number one again)

4.)     It will hurt to say no and to be the mommy. But that is what you are. They have friends. You are their only mother, and that is what they need you to be. You can be friends later.

5.)     Learn to laugh more. Please sit down, have fun with your kids, and stop worrying about the dishes and dust. It will always be there; they won’t.

6.)     Even when they turn into a teen that scares the business out of you, love them still. It’s just a phase; those piercings will eventually close and disappear.

7.)     Don’t save them from the consequences of their actions. It’s how they learn. God doesn’t remove obstacles that will make us holy and we should not either.

8.) Finally, continue taking them to Mass even when it is easier to stay home. Live out the faith daily in your home, even when they roll their eyes at you. The only way to live is to give them lifelong tools of knowing how to pray, that they are loved unconditionally by God, and surrender and trust Him in all of life’s difficult moments will get you through them.      

We don’t know what we don’t know until God allows us to learn it.

While I would have loved that information long ago, learning from my mistakes is what has made me who I am now.